I was that really tall American who may have been laughing with Lisa Ditlefsen , my boss until last Friday. (and no, I wasn’t fired).

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future
of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the
economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges.
However, the good news is this: The economy doesn’t pose a threat to
your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing
political landscape in this country.
However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help
you decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against
employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there
is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed
by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside.
You’ve seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I’m sure; all
these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about
my life.

However, what you don’t see is the back story.

I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300
square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment
was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into
building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent
went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a
defective transmission. I didn’t have time to date. Often times, I
stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and
partying. In fact, I was married to my business — hard work,
discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a
modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy
cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes.
Instead of hitting the Nordstrom’s for the latest hot fashion item, I
was trolling through the Goodwill store extracting any clothing item
that didn’t look like it was birthed in the 70’s.

My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I,
however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business
with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford
these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check
in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don’t. There is no “off”
button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a
weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I
eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no
rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this
business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child.
You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden — the nice house,
the Mercedes, the vacations… You never realize the back story and
the sacrifices I’ve made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the
right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people
who didn’t. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel
entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of
my life for.

Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I’ve paid is
steep and not without wounds.

Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you,
is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me
tell you why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don’t pay
enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and
use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment
taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these
taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him.
Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes
with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to
the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my
“stimulus” check was? Zero. Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the
guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and
serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or,
the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child
waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the
latter is the economic stimulus of this country.
The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you’d
quit and you wouldn’t work here. I mean, why should you? That’s nuts.
Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree
which is why your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don’t understand … to stimulate the economy
you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government
mandated to me that I didn’t need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of
depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have
spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic
growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in
the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don’t
defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to
life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the
heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must
stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington
believe the poor of America are the essential drivers of the American
economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is
the type of change you can keep.

So where am I going with all this?

It’s quite simple.

If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be
swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then
plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your
child’s future. Frankly, it isn’t my problem any more.
Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and
retire. You see, I’m done. I’m done with a country that penalizes the
productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to
provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.

If you lose your job, it won’t be at the hands of the economy; it will
be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this
country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its
landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a
beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about….

Signed,
Your boss

After a long debate with Bexster, we have decided that yes, pigtails are appropriate on those over the age of 12, but only when worn VERY low.  As in, nape of the neck low. And no bows, bows are bad. they = more porn. ditto for braids.

Last weekend,  with the help of some family friends I shifted my suitcases to Richmond Upon Thames.  I am now in a new house, it’s so cute I feel like I’m on a movie set when I go home.  Still have to join the library and a gym, but it’s definately very exciting compared to Surbiton (which I’ve realized was pretty dang boring).

I’ve noticed quite a few contextual ads recently with the above clever tricks included.  See how the second black line looks like a navigation bar?  If you didn’t see the little Ads by Google on the right hand side, you really wouldn’t notice it.  Proud to say, I didn’t fall for it (clearly, this means i’m on my A game!)

The above from SearchSign.com, pissed me off.  These stupid ass sites making false claims.  In trying to unsubscribe to their annoying ass spam emails, they say “by submitting an email address below you will be removing the email addres from all search engine listings” - BULL SHIT. this stupid pansy directory can’t do anything like that. do they have a Google death penalty card.   Ok, done venting now.  Thanks for listening.

Welcome to my website, clearly you’ve figured out that my name is Chelsea Blacker.  Well done.  PLEASE EMAIL ME BACK, at the address I contacted you with, if you are interested in me (as you should be!).  Thank you.

A little about me, that may be important to know when you’re picking a new resident for your flat:

1. Non smoker. If you do smoke that’s cool, I will just use a lot of Febreeze. 

2. I don’t own any pets, but enjoy them.

3. Employed!  I have a job here in the UK (legally too!) as a marketing consultant at Base One Group.  I also do some freelance as a search engine optimization & pay per click consultant.

4. Social. I graduated from NYU and already have plenty of friends in the UK, so I wont bother you too much.  But I do like getting to know my roomies, and will probably ask you how your day was, did you have a good night out last weekend, & if you want to chill with me & my friends, etc. 

5. Clean Floor. Slightly obsessive, I like to have a clean floor.  I will go out of my way to clean it every day if need be, because I can’t stand walking on dirt.  In my own room, shoes will not be allowed. 

6. Active! I used to work at Crunch Gym, I enjoy playing tennis, a bit of squash, skiing (Utah), horseback riding, and jogging along the west side highway. 

7. Party! While I’m up for going out and clubbing a bit, I don’t drink a lot which means I wont make a lot of noise late at night nor will I dirty your toilet.  I also don’t do any drugs, including pot. 

7. Artistic. I love ballet, painting, and comedy. UCB is a weekly event for me when in NYC. 

8. Sleeping. I have a normal sleep cycle, from about 11pm to 7am or 8am on week days.  I do appreciate people not playing loud music while I sleep.  I cannot live with a roommate who has a weird sleep cycle (I’ve tried it before).  

Please don’t hesitate to contact me with ANY questions at the email address I contacted you at.  Or leave a comment with your email.  

Cheers,

Chelsea.